I'm just so down-trodden lately...and my boyfriend, whom i live with, is not helping my mental health AT ALL. he just says such negative and unnecessary things sometimes. and guys don't get something that many women have. we have a sensitivity to tone of voice when people talk to us.

if a guy says something and his tone of voice is gruff or angry-sounding, no matter WHAT he says....we'll probably take it offensively.

ex: (cliche, but an example)

GF: "honey, do i look fat in these jeans?"

BF: "no, babe, u look fine" (says with a sigh)

if i was that girlfriend i'd be annoyed and a little pissed b/c his sigh could mean a lot of different things...none of which are positive. the first thing i'd think is "wow...he's annoyed at me for asking a question, what a dick."

plain and over-used example but it gets my point across.

my bf is just so negative lately, and i always feel like it's my fault. i know it isn't, rationally, b/c i give him EVERYTHING. he wants me to buy him something (happens very often) it's his before i even think twice. i make him every meal AND do the dishes afterward. we have a great communication level when something is bothering us.

but then i feel like it might be my fault. he doesn't see how much i do for him b/c he's so used to me doing it all. i feel like he takes me for granted A LOT. i feel under-appreciated and over-stressed. i always do a little something special for him. like for our 1-year anniversary (september 1st), i made him a tape with me singing all of the songs that remind me of him. he came home in a bad mood that day and didn't want to listen to it, which was ok cuz i wanted him to enjoy it...not be in a bad mood the whole time. but today is october 25th. i've mentioned it here and there....and one day when he was home i even ASKED him to listen to it. he didn't.

i mean, if someone spent weeks gathering songs and recording them JUST FOR ME, i would love to listen to that. i would think it was the best present in the world because it all came from the heart. i even have a poem i wrote him AND a song i wrote him on there, which he knows cuz i gave him a card w/ the track list inside. it's just eating away at me everyday that he doesn't care about something i worked so hard to make him. ESPECIALLY since he apparently "loves my voice" and he knows singing is my passion.

i just don't know what to do. i love him more than anybody else on this earth. WHY THE FUCK CANT HE AT LEAST SAY THANK YOU ONCE IN A WHILE!!??

i feel so alone....

GGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

The worst pain I have ever experienced is, I would have to say, when my father left my family when I was 16. Not only did he move almost all the way across the U.S, he left my mom for another woman whom he had been going to see for months while we thought he was visiting my cancer-ridden aunt. (his sister) My dad was my hero and my role model until the day we found him out.

However, I am very grateful that this happened because it actually HAS made me stronger, and has caused a "domino effect" of many other good things that have happened in my life.

   

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I am the immaculate mess.

I am the darkness of light.

I am the remorseful sociopath.

I am the sunny storm.

I am the remembered forgotten.

I am the successful failure.

I am the problematic solution.

I am the beautiful wreckage.

I am the unthinkable thought.

I am the abstractly organized.

I am the apathetic joy.

I am the famous unknown.

I am the cloned original.

I am the loud silence.

I am the hideously pretty.

I am the calm temper.

I am the freezing warmth.

I am the sweetly sour.

I am the natural fake.

I am the unbreakable crack.

I am the colorful black and white.

I am the optimistic cynisist.

I AM HOLLY HORROR.